An intersting read...
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Everything displayed on this page was written long before I even started this website. These 'passages' are intended to give you an inside look at the wrath of a pissed off teenage girl. Nothing here is ment to anger or hurt anyone that is mentioned. While most if not all of the resentment of a cirten individual still resides, all of the other complaints have long since been taken care of. As for my self centered father and his homewrecking girlfriend, that is another story entirely. I highly suggest getting your feelings (good or bad) out in some positive way.

2-6-04 I don't even know what to put here right now. there aren't words to express what I am feeling. the pain that flows through my body knows no end, there is anger too but no one to direct it towards. yes there are the few but putting that on it them would only cause more grief and suffering for everything. I just see no way out right now nothing I do brings my happiness more like the fear of being wronged into saying something that will only be used against me in the coming days. I cant speak I cant talk I cant communicate to anyone, even this here gives me some unknown risk for disaster know god knows. broken trusts and people giving nothing while wanting it all. if someone thinks they know what I am talking about well you don't you all have no idea what this is like ya maybe say you have had something like this happen to you, but you still have no clue. no one knows how to deal with this there is no rule book, just to do the best you can for yourself everyday and hope to god that you don't hurt anyone in the process. nothing accomplished another day of cries but no tears fall it's just lies and more lies and more and more all there is is lying nothing else no trust and there can be nothing with out trust how will people continue when they cant fathom the effects of their actions because I did things and they got me where I am. there is no evil outside monster only what they think in their heads nothing to keep me here there was bad choices and rebellion that causes the grief the suffering the want for things that cannot be gotten. that lonesome feeling never dies follows everywhere, vanished sometimes but then right back to haunting telling lies and thoughts of wrong what should be done is never done and only the things that shouldn't be...  nothing to type but everything to say. well so much for this little idea. it's just insane, everything is so fucked up. when will it stop? the answer... never. nothing seems to ease the torment of how the world treats people. sorrow is felt for more than solely me, but how to help? how to show the way? what can be donr to fix the mistakes of past anger, stress, lonelyness, lies, sadness, and want? the answer... nothing.

Divorsed feelings...

What the fuck!?!?!? OK my mom went to mediation yesterday for the divorce. it was a meeting about the so-called parenting plan. well my father who claims to love and miss us didn't even take the 5 minuets to fill out his paperwork for it, which he has had for over 4 months. well if he cant take 5 minutes out of 4 months then how the hell is he going to find the 48 hours every other weekend to spend time with us? that is what I'd like to know. well anyway then there is the fast that he is just a lying ass hole and doesn't know how to keep his damn mouth shut. he bought me a jacket around Christmas time this past year and he told me not to tell my mom, so I didn't I told her heather got it for me, and at their stupid ass mediation he said he got it for me which he did but that is beyond the point he told me not to tell and I didn't but then he goes and fucks up his own stuff but letting it all out well that's enough for now...

What the hell do I need to do now? don't I have to do enough already. hello I love my mother and my father, why the hell cant people understand that the actions that my mom has made were never intended to hurt anyone, and now with what your parents are doing to you telling you that you cant come by my street, you are condoning that everything that causes your animosities against my mom. you all were upset because she wouldn't let me see you well now that I can see you all it seems like you don't want anything to do with me, she, my mom, doesn't answer the phone call me you guys...

I Love You! Well most of you at least. I mean you know who you are and if you are loved. You see this whole thing is public and anyone can read it. So "most of you" means that there are some weirdoes that I obviously don't love because I have no idea who that hell you are.

About life: Well its just that, life. It will go on no matter how bad it gets. People think that their life is so hard that it couldn't get worse, well I have news for you... It can, and it most likely will!

Missing Grace: My poor baby, well not a human baby, but the "loved ones" know what I am talking about. I cried about it today. Can you believe it? I never even really liked her in the first place; she stole my name. OK so I lied, it wouldn't be the first time right? I love her, I really do. I just want to have her back so I can take care of her like I used to.

Calling: Well it has come to this. It makes me crazy that I have to fight for attention from my own father. He promised to call on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 6:30. Well it has been over 2 weeks since the last time he called. Oh and that call was a threat to take away ALL of our child support. Why do people still think he is so great? I just don't see it. I mean hello, I'm living in this hell that HE created. Yes he was a good person, but something happened to him and he changed. People change, its human nature.

Crazy: My mom is not crazy. Eccentric yes, but not crazy. I don't even want to start this one but I feel I have to. Why did it get this far? I know what started it, and I know what almost ended it. Then there was something else, that I did. My actions ruined it for me. The problem was almost fixed, but then I couldn't control myself. Now I don't know if it can ever be changed, but I think it is already starting to. Look at where it was coming form, then you will find the explanation for the actions.

Kumm Slutz: I love you girls (and Brandon, sometimes) with every thing in my power! I never have had the comforting relationships that I have with you all. Now right as we come to the end of togetherness, the bonds that were almost killed in the summer heat, seem to be weakening again. Well maybe it is for the best, easing the pain of leaving. NO! It isn't. Who knows what will be true after the last summer in our childish lives. One thing for sure: You girls (and Brandon) are amazing and will without a doubt leave impressions with me that will last the rest of my life.

 

Paula & my cell phone...

I could have just shot across the table and killed her! I wanted to scream and yell and let her have it! but did i? oh hell no, I just sat there in my chair playing with the pieces of randomness that were within my reach. I find myself doing that a lot lately, not playing with random things, but sitting at the dining room table not eating just sitting no reading or studying or even watching TV just sitting there not even thinking about anything, just sitting there in the chair that is the hardest one to get into but I was just sitting there trying to be sarcastic and fun trying to lighten the mood trying to be me just me the way I am, and then she snapped. that British bitch Paula that lived in the apartment above ours, not that I have anything against the Brits, but she just pissed me off and this is the second time too, the first was when she snapped at my friends for sticking their noses in other people's business and being disrespectful of my mom, who is you ask me was just as disrespectful of them as they were to her, so she butts into the affairs between my friends and my mom to scold them for butting in to affairs...well that seems like hypocrisy to me...the most recent time was after my mom got home from mediation last Thursday, I would have put this in here then but my brother was being an asshole and screwed up my computer and I couldn't get it to work again for a while, well anyway we were all talking in the kitchen about how the mediation went, and then we got on to house rules and my brother (yes the asshole, but he can be cool sometimes) said that there were no rules and so my mom said "ya, no drinking no lying..." and sarcastic smart ass my said "well ya..." and the she did it, Paula goes off on my for just being my self saying the I don't care about what is happening and I'm not taking anything serious enough and that I am putting everyone else at risk for my actions and that my friends are causing more bad than good and I just sat there and let her say it all right to me like I took any of it in but no I just sat there playing with the things on the table while she yelled at me, who the hell does she think she is? god damn her! I was just so pissed I could have blown up but I didn't again I just sat there and let her say what ever she wanted to say. nothing impacted me because I didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't being not serious I was being me, my mom got it and she didn't go off on some hell bent rampage, but no Paula has to get her point across, what the hell does she think she is the god damn know-it-all on the teenage life? well there is no way in hell I am going to listen to some middle-aged Brit who didn't even grow up in this country!...Paula you can kiss my red white and blue AMERICAN teenaged ass! and keep your damn life out of mine!...

Well here we go again! Ummm... I'm pissed off at the world the entire world! no one can escape my pissed-of-ness, well there are a few and they most likely know who they are and if you don't that you are really stupid and I am pissed at you for being that stupid! well anyway I had another encounter with the British bitch yesterday, and this time she was lucky I was so tuned in to what I was doing. she and my mom were talking and my friend heather came up in the conversation, well there is a shocker seeing as she is "the root of all my problems" and everything... well she brought me home from school and then my mom wanted to talk to her god only knows why, but she started walking over to the car and heather drove off. well my mom claims to think that heather drove off to hit her but trust me if heather wanted to hit my mom, she'd be in the hospital right now... well that is enough, because the things my "so-called" friends do affect me more then they can fathom... she just goes along her way and doesn't give a shit for my feelings, hello could you take to minutes out of your sex crazed life to think about your friend?? well obviously not because I'm sure my mom wasn't going to say anything rude to her because my mom is a better person than that and she is a mature adult... sometimes. hello, your self-absorbedness only hurts me more, and if you cared as much as you think you do then you would be looking out for me, and not for what you want me to be. Heather I broke my god damn cell phone for you yesterday. so my mom couldn't call your mom. I lost all my phone numbers, the last few nice txt messages Cole and I sent to each other, the funny ones I saved from you and everything else that was in there, it is all gone to save you from having to deal with my mom... because I care I really care about my friend and I want them to have the lives they want to have and not the lives that I think are best for them! I love my psycho bitch mother and my lying asshole father! life is shitty and everyone knows it! I'm sorry for bitching about you to the entire world but you don't even read this so unless someone tells you you won't know but if anyone does tell you I hope they tell the whole story and not just the bad half... you are one of my very best friends, without you I don't know where I would be right now. you were the first one to comfort me when my world broke down, you are usually one of the first people I call when something happens good or bad, we've been through a lot together, we experienced a lot of firsts together, both firsts that were regretted and repeated but we have survived the horrible and the amazing, the hot and the cold everything we've done has left memories and I want you to know that I do love you!